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Friday, June 3rd, 2005
8:36 pm - Honestly, what is friendship?
Honestly, what is friendship?

I always thought it was something you shared with someone who would stick around through whatever happens. I couldn’t be at Kats baby shower when I needed to be at my sisters wedding. I called her after it started but she still forgave me. I was there for Kat when baby Iliana was born. She couldn’t make it to my 21st birthday because she didn’t want to leave Iliana with anyone else, but I still understood. She hardly ever calls or returns my phone calls but I still love her. Why is that? What am I doing right with Kat that I’m not doing with anyone else? Why do I still hold love for my friend when we hardly see each other or talk to each other?
And what do we talk about when we haven’t spoken in a while? Ourselves and our most recent experiences, whether it’s a first time experience or the thousandth time we’ve done it, anything to spark an interest or conversation.
You know what hurts?
It hurts when a “friend” calls you a fake, indecent, inconsiderate, unmannered human being; all the things that Michelle called me. My best defense was, “is it that you’re just a drama queen?” She also called me “mean”. “Mean” is what my mom calls me when I don’t want to give my little sister a hug after coming home from a stressful day at work. “Mean” is taking candy from a baby. But people my age, they are never intentionally mean, unless of course they are in a bad mood or raised that way.
“Inconsiderate”, that’s something I’m not. Irresponsible is something I can admit to being. Procrastination is another bad characteristic of mine. Unmannered: sometimes I forget to say “excuse me” and “thank you” and “please”. Usually “unpunctual”: sure. But for as long as I can remember, these are all the things I’ve been, these are all the things that are me. What I care about: I care about a lot of things and a lot of people. Who I care about the most: family and people who have treated me like family. Who I love: family and closest friends. But FAKE?!?!
If anyone knows me best, it’s me and fake isn’t something I am or like to hear people call me. All I ever did was try to be myself. I’m quiet, reserved and defensive; most people I know don’t like that. They think I’m not living life and having fun. But who says you have to be wild and crazy to live? And even so, I’ve done crazy things before. But I’m a very private and serious person. I like to be alone and I don’t like to go out most of the time. But that stuff doesn’t matter, I’m happy with what I have and what I am.
One thing that I like about me and the way my family has been raised: We don’t hold grudges; we know how to let bad things go.
She couldn’t let anything go. She saw all my weak characteristics and never counted in the good. She saw what she wanted to see. She didn’t see me.
Who’s to blame?
What does it matter anymore? It was a long time ago and now she’s gone.

current mood: numb
2 nerds | if nerds could fly
Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
7:07 pm - starting again.
i'm seriously sorry to anyone who is shallow and thinks that my reality isn't anything. if you find humor in my misfortune, discomforts, my pain, and even the things that i find make me happy, then good for you but wake up! my reality is far from yours because you are not like me. no one ever is so much like another. we're all different.

things that get me down:
my dog died in july.
i still miss my uncle.

things that i find make me happy with my life right now:
we finally got our phone lines fixed after three weeks of no telephone because the wiring got all screwed up. now i have contact with the outside world.
i've learned to crochet and i've already made me a scarf and am in the process of making one for a friend.
i've finally learned (half ass) to stick up for myself after years of being tormented by kids all the way from 4th to 10th grade.
i finally know what i want to go to college for and i'm going all the way this time.
i'm taking fitness classes finally.
i'm writing more poetry but i find it hard to write when i'm happy.
i've come in contact with an old friend.
i'm still friends with my best friend kat and try to hang out with her as much as possible, only it get's hard because she has a boyfriend now.
i have a great boyfriend who makes me laugh like crazy.
i'm still friends with someone in my past who inspired me to do a lot and is also responsible for a change in me that my family and friends have seen and noticed (his name is freddie, not jeremy).
i'm taking a creative writing class and it's fun.
i've made friends with the kids who made fun of me from 4th to 10th grade just recently because someone close has introduced us.

just for kicks:
"if it weren't for model trains, they wouldn't have come up with the idea for the big trains."
"hey whaa happen?"
"you memmer."
"not right now, right now, but maybe later, later."
"what's the fucking difference?"





i'm sure i can say a whole bunch more. but i don't want to. from now on.. this journal is going to be meant for my poetry.

that's all i have to say.

current mood: calm
1 nerd | if nerds could fly
Friday, September 3rd, 2004
6:23 pm - FUCKING ANNOYED!
SOMEONE REALLY LIKES TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS..

FUCK YOU.

current mood: annoyed
7 nerds | if nerds could fly
Saturday, February 14th, 2004
11:58 pm - wow, it's been a really long time.
i haven't updated this thing in forever.
some unknown person commented on my journal and complained about me always talking or complaining about a specific person. if this person only knew that me and that person haven't really been talking for what feels like forever. we're almost strangers it seems and we just talk a little every now and then. "hi, how are you?" "what have you been up to?" but that's mostly it.
i've recently gotten into my third car accident and it sucks. i guess i really am a crash test dummy like my uncle said, the same uncle that died a year ago. i'm still not over his death. i miss him like crazy. his death anniversary is on my little sisters birthday. we had people over that night and my aunt was there. she did pretty good until my grandma showed up and they cried together. then my mum pulled my speach up on the computer and printed it out so they could all read it together and then she cried with them. i didn't like that much. even though the speach was about a close relative to all of us, and i've already read it to a huge crowd, it was something personal to me.
i don't know if i ever talked about billy in my journal but he's my most current ex boyfriend. i thought i was in love and i probably was but he broke my heart. we were bestfriends when we were together and we were bestfriends for a while after we broke up but after he asked to take a break from me because his girlfriend and i weren't getting along, it seems that things aren't really the same. i still love him to death because he makes me happy when i'm with him and i feel like i can truly be myself around him. we're supposed to hang out this coming monday for a little bit and i guess we'll see how things go. the last time i called him was friday and his mum yelled at me on the phone and said that he wasn't there. he called me later that day and said that he wanted to see me. when i told him what happend, he said that he was home and he appologized for his mum being rude. he hasn't told her yet that we're talking again. it makes me kind of sad.
changing the subject..
i met someone about a month ago through my sister jen and her boyfriend. it's her boyfriends cousin. i wasn't open to seeing anyone new the day i met him but he turned out to be an awesome guy when i finally came around and asked him if he wanted to hang out again. we ended up becoming instant friends and we both liked each other a lot. we got too emotional too soon and it scared us a little. but when we finally decided to take it to the next level, we became more comfortable with liking each other as much as we do. so far, this guy is a keeper. he's in the navy so we don't get to see each other that often, but when he get's off of work early he'll drive all the way from san diego just to see me. that's really the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. when he is home though, he's only living about 5 minutes down the street from me. i think that not being able to see him so much is a good thing for me. it gives me time to make plans with family and friends. and it also makes seeing him worth it. i know that i could say tons more about him but i'm just going to say that v-day was lonely without him and i miss him a lot.
i've been trying to catch up with my friends lately. it's not always easy but i'm trying. i think my friend kat just got dumped by her bestfriend because he said that she's always choosing me over him and that she's always spending her time with me. the funny thing is, when he said that, i hadn't seen her for two weeks, and before that, i hadn't seen her for about a month and a half. he accused me of changing her, but the thing is, kat is so independent that i don't think she can be changed by anyone. she's the only person i know who i think truly knows herself.. then there's michelle. my mum pointed out that she's really trying to be a part of my life again, and i realized that i'm not trying hard enough. i think it's about time to start trying. a real friendship with her is something i want. i owe it to her.
i'm tired now and i'm supposed to celebrate v-day tomorrow at universal studios which means, i'll need my energy. time for me to go sleepybye.
goodnight.

current mood: sleepy
6 nerds | if nerds could fly
Saturday, June 28th, 2003
2:01 am - what?
Happy Deathday!
Your name:ifnerdscouldfly
You will die on:Saturday, October 10, 2020
You will die of:Spider Bite
Username:
Created by Quill




no wonder i'm affraid of spiders.. hahaha

current mood: weird
if nerds could fly
12:27 am - between now and then..
it's been a while since i've actually written in my journal. there is too much to tell.


my birthday passed in may and i've only found dissapointment so far in the new year.

i think i lost some friends that mean a lot to me and lost one friend who wasn't the greatest anyway.. he actually told me he didn't want to be my friend.. on the phone the day before my birthday, that jerk. but now i feel lonely.. and i feel like i only call some of my "friends" now because i have guilt for losing the others the way i did. the truth is.. i don't know what friendship is and how to treat it. i feel that i've been truamatized by past relationships with friends.. getting ditched and used.. now i don't know how to treat others.
am i a bad person?

a good side might be that i made up with jeremy.. hopefully that will last longer than before.. it's time to be mature about things with him. i feel like we were just acting like stupid kids who fight over marbles or something.. i've actually done that once in elementary school; pathetic kid stuff i tell ya..

i've been looking for a job and still no luck. i actually went to a starbucks interview and i got a post card in the mail saying i didn't get the job.. ironically enough, tonight i went and bought a frappacino. i feel like a pathetic human being.

i still miss my uncle. he passed back in february. something amazing happend though, or at least i think so..
my little cousin aidan who is five years old and my aunt sylvia were lying in her bed one day and my aunt woke up to see aidan at the foot of the bed nodding his head. she asked him what he was doing and he said he was talking to my uncle richard. my aunt couldn't believe what she was hearing from her son so she kept questioning him. she looks over towards the corner of the room and says, "oh, you mean that picture right there?", pointing to a picture of my uncle richard just beside where my cousin is looking. and he says, "no, he's standing right there." and he pointed to a spot in the room. and he keeps on nodding his head to the invisable figure that he says is my uncle. when it's over my aunt asks my little cousin what my uncle told him. he said, "he told me, 'don't get left behind." later on.. when my aunt continues questioning my cousin about what he saw.. asking him to describe everything.. he says he was wearing a white robe and he was floating above the floor. my aunt still puzzled keeps questioning him and it gives aidan a bad feeling. when my aunt thinks that he's getting scared she asks him why he's crying and he said, "you don't believe me." he was simply upset because he knew he wasn't lying and he felt like his mum thought he was.
all this is coming from a five year old who was taught not to lie. i tell you, it's incredible.

speaking of missing someone, i miss billy. he's away in wyoming at the time and i really feel like i have no one to talk to. things also feel like they're getting a little hard between me and billy but i hope that it's something we can get through. i'm committed to try the way i said i would.. his birthday is coming up and i'm thinking of what to get him. not quite sure yet either. it has to be something worth it. maybe i'll go tomorrow and look around for something special.

life isn't always easy. but i sure hope that things will soon look up for me.

if i could ask God for one thing, it would be, to be happy.
the funny thing is, the more and more i think about it, i am happy. so what if things don't go the way i'd like them to go. it might seem like i have so little.. but in truth, i have a lot. i have so much to live for. i have parents who love me, even though they wish i had a job and tell me that everyday of my life. i have two little sisters who i love very much even though both can be as equally annoying and one sometimes even resents me. i do have friends.. i just need to figure them out. and i have a boyfriend who really cares about me. i am happy. i really am.

(i just got back from seeing bruce almighty.. haha, it had a good point anyway.)

current mood: ecstatic
1 nerd | if nerds could fly
Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
1:05 am - he wrote it.. and i cried.
first day of my life.
by bright eyes

this is the first day of my life
i swear i was born right in the doorway
i went out in the rain
and suddenly everything changed
there spreading
blankets on the beach

yours is the first face that i saw
i think i was blind before i met you
now i don’t know where i am
i don’t know where i’ve been
but i
know where want to go
so i just thought i’d let you know
these things take forever
i especially am slow
now i realized how i need you
and i wonder if i could come home

remember the time you drove all night
just to meet me in the morning
and i thought it was strange
you said everything changed
you felt
as if you just woke up

and you said
this is the first day of my life
i’m glad i didn’t die before i met you
i don’t care
i could go anywhere with you
and i’d probably be happy

so if you wanna be with me
with these things there’s no telling
we’ll just have to wait and see
but i’d rather be working for a pay check
than waiting to win the lottery
besides maybe this time it’s different
i mean, i really think you like me


THANK YOU CHRIS FOR FINDING IT FOR ME!! I LOVE YOU!

man, how i want someone to dedicate this song to me.. it makes me cry. i think it's my favorite song.. but hearing it on my computer and in my cd player will never beat the first time i really heared it when conor himself sang it on stage at the glass house.. the night i listened to him sing while i cried.
i love you conor!!

current mood: chipper
if nerds could fly
Friday, April 25th, 2003
3:43 am - exactly what i think it is..
it's love when you trust
it's love when you lose
it's love when you cry
it's love when you fight
it's love when you look at him/her and you just know that they're enough
enough to make you smile,
to make you cry,
to make you laugh,
and above all,
to make you truely happy,
happy with yourself,
happy when you're together..

love just is






dammit, i want it!

current mood: hopeful
if nerds could fly
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
4:34 pm
inheartofwinter: haha.. i saw your rateusa profile
NICK: oh yeah
NICK: thanks
inheartofwinter: you rated shana
inheartofwinter: my sisters friend
NICK: oh yeah
inheartofwinter: jen didn't even notice it was you until i said something
NICK: so hey give me some good news, like you broke up with your b.f.
inheartofwinter: www.livejournal.com/users/ifnerdscouldfly
NICK: so did you break up with him yet?
inheartofwinter: that's kind of a mean question
NICK: i'm sorry
NICK: but i really dont wanna talk to you
NICK: if i can't be with you, kinda thing
NICK: thats why i left
NICK: and i wont be back until i hear that your single again
NICK signed off at 4:32:27 PM.

people are really fucked up sometimes. he's supposed to be a friend. moved back to palmdale. i can't believe he said that, i can't believe that he would treat me like that, that he would say that and just sign off, not even let me talk.

he was supposed to be my friend.

current mood: aggravated
2 nerds | if nerds could fly
1:42 pm - crying for help.
today i went to class, couldn't do anything. couldn't focus. all i could think about was him. i sat there and tried to start my essay, but all i could write was this:

why did i let myself slip after he died?
why do i still let myself get depressed when i see her alone?
why did he have to go?
holidays are harder now without him.

i can't stand to see them all so sad.
it makes me sad,
and i slip away.
then she tells me to smile
but if she knew why i looked so sad she would cry.
so i want to leave.
i can't look at her anymore.
it will hurt me
and i don't want to hurt her by letting her know that.

she was so beautiful for him.
they were beautiful together.
i remember their anniversary.
it makes me cry.
i can't cry here.
i need to stop.
but i can't.
these thoughts need to come and they need to go
but they wont go away until i'm done with everything.
until it's all out in the open.
but who do i talk to?
billy wont listen
because he doesn't like to see the way i get when i think about him.
jeremy has to worry about himself right now.
mum will cry.
jen will cry.
diane, steph, i can't talk to
because seeing them makes me cry
and they'll both cry harder than me.
i want to talk to her,
because she was the one who got left alone,
but i can't,
it wont help either of us.

i need help.
some kind of theropy.
i slipped.
my grades, my emotions, the way i treat people,
everything!
i let myself slip.
why does it hurt me so much anyway?
i loved him and still do
but should it hurt this much?

i think i know why.
i just realized why it hurts me.
i said it before
but i didn't know if i believed it then.


his death changed us.
my dad is quiet,
he loved his brother.
my mum still crys,
she thinks about auntie letty.
and jen,
she doesn't see it,
but she's changed,
it's because of stephanie.
jen was stephs open ear.
and like i said earlier in this entry,
holidays are harder now that he's gone
and every family gathering after that will be hard too.
and as for me,
i am a wallflower,
i sit and watch all this happen around me,
and i watch our worlds crumble until it eats me away.


that's it.

current mood: depressed
if nerds could fly
Thursday, February 13th, 2003
5:49 pm - now that he's gone.
it has been four days since my uncle passed away. my uncle richard was a very good man and my very favorite uncle. it's so hard to even think for once second that he is gone. i am sad because things will feel empty now without him but i am more sad for his immidiate family, esspecially for his wife. he will never get to see his youngest daughter marry in a church, or even get to be the one to walk her down the isle, he wont see the day she gets her diploma or go out with her to celebrate afterward. but the one thing that seems to bug me the most is that my aunts life has changed so much in my uncles last breath. she will come home everday and find that she will no longer have to take care of his meals or help him take his medication. she is of no use for him now because he is no longer present, for all that he left behind is a closet full of clothes, the slightest sent of his aftershave, and an empty spot on the opposite side of the bed. that right there is what hurts me to know. my aunt will come home everyday and feel the absense of a warm body next to hers and she will think of him and cry in secret until she drifts off to sleep.

he's gone now,
and i miss him.



For Uncle Richard:

A few days ago I made the decision to come up here today to say something for my uncle Richard, but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to write something, so I asked my friend if he had any ideas and he said to simply let it flow from my heart. So that’s what I did, I let it flow from my heart…

I remember the last time I talked to my uncle Richard. He called my house on a Saturday after I had gotten in a car accident the previous Tuesday and I answered the phone. I said, “Hello” and the first thing I heard from the other line was, “Is this the Crash Test Dummy?” All I could do was laugh. And now that I think back about all the times we shared, he was always cracking jokes, always trying to make people laugh. He was always good at it too. Then there are the times where I would bring a guy friend home or even if I talked about a new boy while my uncle was there, the boy’s name was automatically changed to Pepe. But once he got to know a boy, his name still no longer existed. For example: my last boyfriend Jeremy was my uncle’s favorite friend Jeffery and then eventually Jerry. These are only a few things that I will always remember about him. And all these things that I once saw as jokes are always going to ring in my ears as moments I cherish.

The uncle I knew and the uncle I will always remember was a very beautiful man. He was nice, funny, very loving and always there. Yes, I remember that one the most. That he was always there, at band events when I was a band nerd in high school, at birthdays, on holidays, on the weekends including Super Bowl Sundays, at our yard sales. He was always there. But now, he’s no longer here to share those special moments, but I have to continue to remember and tell myself that he is still here and always will be in my heart.

Here is a quote from the lyrics of Michael Jackson’s song “You Are Not Alone.”

Another day has gone
I’m still all alone
How could this be
You’re not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

A lot of us in this room are probably thinking that in some way we relate to the lyrics. But my uncle Richard didn’t leave us. He is still here with us and this time he will be here every minute and every second of the day. His memory is dancing around us with so much joy because he didn’t leave our worlds cold. He left our worlds with memories that will last a lifetime. And no he didn’t say goodbye, because goodbyes are forever and he knows that soon we will meet again when it is our turn to go home.



I love you Uncle Richard.

current mood: blank
if nerds could fly
Monday, January 6th, 2003
1:41 pm - yumi said that i'm an..
ASH TREE: The Ambition ~ Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive,
demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent,
talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egotistic, very reliable
and trust-worthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.

current mood: curious
1 nerd | if nerds could fly
Monday, November 25th, 2002
1:53 pm - :(
he said that he doesn't have time for my crap. :( does that mean he doesn't have time for me??

"i love you not because of who you are, but because of who i am when i am with you."

"a true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

"no man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry."

"the worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them."


"don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you."

all these quotes are how i feel.. and my heart is breaking even more.

nic

current mood: worried
1 nerd | if nerds could fly
Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
1:25 pm - weird names
my prison bitch name is Queenie
my viking name is Nicole the Peevish
my indian name is Beatrice Fuzzy Burger
my hip hop name is Missy Baby Mack Z
my jedi name is BARNI DIWHI of the planet allegra
my geek name is Sleepy Keyboardaholic
my burger ninja name is Tsuruko Tadokoro -san
my pilgrim name is Goodwife Heard
my black name is Kwennoir
my pirate name is Iron Ethel Vane
my rock star name is Sparkle Glams
my true name is Funky Faerie
my fairy name is Berry Icefilter
my slushy valentines nickname is Fluffy Buns-Bottom

thanx to jeremy
if nerds could fly
Friday, October 18th, 2002
2:30 pm - :(
my tears continue to fall..

current mood: melancholy
if nerds could fly
Monday, June 3rd, 2002
4:47 pm - prom: the best day of my entire life
jeremy already wrote about most of the stuff, although there was one thing he forgot. i'll just write it from my point of view.

jeremy looked so good and i felt good. jeremy looked so shocked to see me when i first came walking through the hallway. i loved my dress, well, actually i loved my overall appearence. i felt beautiful and jeremy sure did make me feel beautiful. i wish i could go back to that night and do it all over again, but that was my last prom. i wore a black and white, diagnally stripped dress that had one shoulder strap, and i wore my hair in a style that looked like came out of a 50's sitcom show. reminded me of something like the movie pleasantville. i couldn't find shoes to wear so i went and bought a shinny pair of black sandles for seven bucks which ended up matching jeremy's shinny black shoes. i painted both my toenails and fingernails red and wore a dark red lipstick that didn't clash with my dress or with my skin color. my eyeshadow was a dark grey that wasn't too dark but dark enough to notice. my cousin did a really good job on my appearence. she had planed the makeup part of it after she saw my dress which she adored. i can guarantee that no one had my dress that night. i got good compliments from everyone too.

now to get away from my appearence.. jeremy looked good, it looked like he brushed his hair which looked like a guys 70's hairstyle. and instead of going with his glasses he wore his contacts. his contacts are good for him because he has pretty eyes and it's not always good to hide them behind glasses even if they're cool glasses. but he really did look good.

we left my house to take pictures at the school and there were a lot of people there already in line but the lines were moving fast so that was okay. i saw a girl there with an ugly mohawk that made her look like a bird. she was never the type to rebel or to look creative. she just looked horrible, poor kid. then we took pictures and it was cool because they took two pictures of us, not like at jeremy's prom where they only took one. then we took individual pictures, i really hope all of the pictures will come out good.

oh yeah i forgot to mention that every five minutes we were taking pictures. we were at my house taking pictures, at my school getting out pictures taken and then taking pictures on my schools front lawn for jeremy's dad, then we were at the girls house to get picked up by the limo taking pictures. dude, i was tired of taking pictures. i just wanted to go to the prom.

finally the limo arrived, it was late but it came. then guess what.. we took more pictures. we got in the limo to find that it was too small to fit us in there. we were actually supposed to have a 20 seater limo but instead we had like a 10 seater so we had to squeez 17 people into the limo sticking someone in the front seat with the limo driver. then on top of all that, the sun roof, which was open, and the cd player didn't work. it was a nightmare. but other stuff made up for it.

jeremy held me close while we were inside the limo,(not like he had a choice, we were squashed inside there pretty tight) and he was kissing my shoulder. he's so cute.

when we got there we had to wait a while to get in and they searched every one of us. i thought it was funny because i just got through telling jeremy that at our formals and proms we don't have to separate guys from girls and do the whole search routine. when we got inside we had to search for tables to sit because there weren't really that many left, not even outside in the cold. me and jeremy eventually had to split up from my friends and we sat at a table with my elementry enemies and a girl who didn't like me for a really long time but was actually nice to me that night. but at least me and jeremy had eachother, i didn't need to sit with the others as long as he was there.

prom night wasn't just my night, it was mine and jeremy's night. i say this because when i was there with jeremy it really seemed like nothing else mattered, and he really didn't act like anything else mattered while we were there. he danced so free that envy him for that. there was a couple starring at him and i just looked right back giving them bad looks. hehe. it pissed me off though because really, all they were doing was going from one side to the other, their feet were glued to the floor (they were also one of the couples riding in the limo with us, and the girl was also someone i've hated since last year).

jeremy went with me to get a drink and it was funny because i had a shirley temple and jeremy was saying that it went with me. i don't know what that means.

we got in a little fight towards the end of the night but we ended up talking about it. it was cool because we really tried to understand eachother. we hugged and made up.

but anyways, we ended up spending the last half hour dancing. but that last song, he held me in his arms while we danced and i rested my head in his shoulder and i was just smelling him, trying to remember everything i possibly could about the moment to make it last forever. i remember, that half way into the song, i became so hypnotised by the sway of our waltz that i closed my eyes, and for that brief moment, when we held eachother, i honestly felt like we were dancing alone. it was a peaceful feeling that i'll treasure for the rest of my life.

"do you feel it?"
- hell yeah i feel it.

we left the place and jeremy took his contacts out because they were bugging him. we wanted to go to denny's and then to the beach but paola was driving and she wanted to go and party, something i'm totally against. we went to denny's and after that we went up into the hills where i live to a place that my friends like to call "the view" and we saw the city lights. it was so romantic up there and jeremy put his arms around me to keep me warm. i felt safe, and the place just felt right. wait a minute, what the heck am i talking about. the whole night felt right.

to be continued...

current mood: excited
1 nerd | if nerds could fly
Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
2:20 pm - :(
tawnie and scooter ran away. :( my dogs are gone, and they left their baby puppy behind. now he plays alone. they got out of the house at 7:00 last night and my parents tried calling them in, but they never came so they left the door open for them. then around 10:00 they knew they weren't coming back. they were gone. i convinced my dad to take me out looking for them. we looked all over, but we never found them. i'm not going to give up on them though. i will stay strong and keep my search up. my dad is going to help me put up flyers. i really need to do this. i need to get them back. home isn't home without them and it makes me sad. mostly to see the puppy by himself. he sleeps alone and stays home alone and it hurts me to see that. wish me luck in finding my little buddies.

end.

current mood: crappy
1 nerd | if nerds could fly
Tuesday, May 21st, 2002
1:26 pm - can nerds fly?? .. we'll soon see.
this is my time to stress out. geesh, i have my senior project presentation tomorrow and i'm really scared and i have a few reasons to be too. two of the judges on my panel are two of the most perfectionist people on the entire planet. one of those teachers is the only teacher in the entire school who i am really intimidated by or scared of. i can't go up to him to ask a simple question without shaking. he's my band director. it's all too scary.

besides that...

things that are coming up:
1.may 22-senior project presentations
2.may 25-jeremy's prom/my 18th birthday
3.may 31-mum's 41st birthday/badly drawn boy
4.june 1-my prom
5.june 12-jeremy's 18th birthday
6.june 18-my graduation
7.june 20-jeremy's graduation/my grad night

there's so many things to do. the sad part is that for most of it, i'm not even excited. of course i'm not excited about the presentations. i am excited about jeremy's prom, not about my birthday though. i'm stressed out about my mum's birthday because i want to go to that badly drawn boy show but my mum might not let me go. i could care less about my prom now because things are getting too confusing. i'm really excited about jeremy's birthday because i want to get him something special. i'm stressing about graduation because even if i pass the senior project, i would still have to pass my government class which i'm struggling in. i'm not so sure if i'm excited for jeremy's graduation because i know and have had three years of experiance for highschool graduations(performed in band since freshman year) and they get pretty boring, but either way i'm proud of him and happy for him, proud because he's finally getting to leave highschool to go to one of the two schools that he was accepted to.. and happy for him because he wont have to put up with that high school crap anymore. but my grad night, that's the one thing that i'm really excited for. i want to do that so bad. i don't know why.

okay..

somethings bothering me..
yesterday i conversed with a boy that i used to talk to last year in my junior year about music. we used to talk all the time but it was always either about how crazy and huge my younger sister is or something silly about music or the beatles. it was mostly on our favorite stuff to listen to. well anyway. yesterday when we were talking he asked me what i liked out of recent stuff.. so i told him stuff like mojave 3, belle and sebastian, badly drawn boy, and i told him that i still liked the smashing pumpkins but that they're not all that recent. then he got all mad and turned to his friend and said.. "see, that's the problem, people only like the underground stuff and that's why it's not underground anymore." so i asked him, "so you think that the only reason people listen to that stuff is because it's labled as 'underground'?" and he said yes. it kind of bugged me. i had to think about it. and it still bugs me. the only thing i could think to say was.. "but it's good music." i'm lame. now i'm trying to think of a better reason of why i like it. i'm a bit confused.

i talked to david a little bit yesterday. we mostly talked about the senior project and he wished me goodluck. i ran into him again today when he was walking with that little asian kid, and he asked me how my practice presentation went. i told him that i went over my time limit and that i really needed to fix my mistakes. then we split up a little while after that because i felt uncomfortable, david wished me luck again. but when i was walking away, the little asian kid called out to me that he hoped i would do good for the real presentation. it was funny because i don't even know that kid. i just smiled.

there is a lot going on right now. i don't think i can really express what is going on in my head. some things a bit confusing, some things that take too long to tell. so i should end it here.

end.

current mood: bored
if nerds could fly
Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
6:11 am
i guess God made me born to cry. i hate my life and most of all i hate myself. i wish i could go away, and never come back, dissappear from all my family and my few friends. hating the day time, and living for only nights, just like my poem back in freshman year when i was depressed. i feel myself slipping into that girl i once was, and i'm affraid of myself. i don't want to go back there. i remember how she was, i don't want to be her again.. i miss him and i feel like i'm making myself sick about losing him.

i guess God did make me made to cry.

current mood: guilty
if nerds could fly
Sunday, March 10th, 2002
12:24 am - new experiances.
i went to my schools spring musical yesterday. "kiss me kate" was supposed to be the best musical production that our school ever put on but it sucked. it couldn't compare to last years spring musical "little shop of horrors". and little shop of horrors couldn't compare to my freshman years spring musical "into the woods" <- that one was the best. kiss me kate was fun though. me and jeremy sat there talking through the whole thing. we mostly made fun of everything wrong in the play. the pouch full of condoms, the bearded woman, the bottomless mug, the girl who had the lead part that couldn't sing for crap even if her life depended on it, the tall lanky girl with legs for miles that jeremy noticed which turned out to be my friends little sister, the set that almost fell on some really annoying girl and the guy who held it up, and the guy sitting next to jeremy without a girlfriend. all of this stuff me and jeremy found funny. we sat there just laughing and talking through the whole play and i felt like people were mad at us because we were talking pretty loud.
while me and jeremy were sitting there between the different scenes, we got kinda bored so we looked up at the ceiling and he said "look at the moon, can you see it? and there are the stars." i looked where he was pointing and it did look like a moon and stars. there was a big round vent that looked like the moon with lights all around it that looked like stars. i like the way his mind works, he's very creative.
there was something about the play that me and jeremy both agreed to liking though. the guy that played the gangster, jon. he actually did a really good job. he used his regular voice and he became the part instead of over reacting. and even his song was cool. "brush up your shakespear"..darn, i just get the urge to sing it.
before the play jeremy came over and it was cool because while i was trying to get stuff cleaned he was listening to his new amelie soundtrack cd and he started breaking out in a weird ballet dance of his own and he asked me for my hand and he made me dance with him. he started spining me around and around. everything around us started to blur and all i could see was him. he was right there in front of me. it was kinda romantic. and then he danced alone and he made me laugh. he exaggerated some moves of ballet and we were both laughing even though he was trying to maintain a serious face. i always have so much fun with him.
oh i almost forgot. jeremy made me my mixed tape. it's actually really good. i liked it a lot. he titled it "let's be optimisitc" which is a really good title with all that's been going on in my life. he's helped me a lot with things lately, even with stuff that he doesn't know or hasn't realized yet. that tape has a theme of love songs and inspiring music. it's really good to the ears. i'm really glad to have him in my life. i love him.
after the play though, we wanted to get the gansters autograph but we wanted to go to the movies so we had to leave fast. we ended up practically racing to the movies. out of breath, i caught up to him and we walked the rest of the way. we bought tickets full price to see the time machine. we missed 20 minutes of the begining but didn't miss the opening of the plot. after watching 20 minutes of it though we decided the movie was lame and we left. after paying 12 dollars for two tickets. that movie sucked. i ought to sue the makers for that.
we left the theater and went to rocky colas where my friends kat, poala, and norby were. we joined them and jeremy orderd food for himself and a stawberry shake and me a chocolate shake. we waited after that for kat's mum to pick us up but her sister did instead and i fell asleep before she even came. it was around 1:40 by the time we got home. i fell asleep on my couch while jeremy and my dad bonded. my dad finally decided to take jeremy home and it was already 2:14. we took jeremy home and by the time i got to bed it was 3:16.
only one bad thing happend last night. my friend michael who doesn't go to my school anymore was at the play and i saw him. i went to say hi to him and i told him i missed him and that he had to call me because we had to do something together. instead of saying something like he'd call me, he told me: "oh, i'm way too busy to call you. you should call me to see if i could do something, if i'm there." then he went on about how he's always gone snowboarding. he threw away our friendship. but i wont let that get to me. i wont let that spoil my cool day spent with jeremy. he's my best friend anyways. and he is the best.
today i stayed home and cleaned house most of the time. i actually cleaned too. didn't sit around watching t.v. jeremy was waiting for me too. when my parents came home they took me to his house, along with my littlest sister. jeremy's mum ended up babysitting her. she slept half of the time, i'm actually proud of her because she didn't go bugging me. but i did play with her a little bit so she wouldn't feel bad. we rented billy elliot. that's actually a good movie but we didn't even watch it.

new experiances.. good experiances.


i'm done.

current mood: cheerful
if nerds could fly
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